Neighbors

I am Trying to Get My Shit Together...

...but being in Karmastadt does not help.

I got up early, ate breakfast and went for a walk down through the town squares for about an hour.  I was missing you so bad my heart felt like it was being crushed from all sides.  I came back and stopped in and sat at the train station for a while.  Track number nine again.  The trains sounded great.  I could have jumped on a freight train, there were a couple of flatbed cars with the sides down that were empty...I could have just walked on as the train rolled away.

I looked at a schedule, there is a 1437 train departing Darmstadt for Salzburg, arriving at 2003.  Have you been there?  It is one of my favorite cities.  We could spend a couple days there and then continue south into Italy.  It would be a beautiful train ride through the Alps.

Here is something to think about: meet me here in early December when I rotate out from Vot.  I will buy you a plane ticket.  We could take 10 days and head south to Italy or west to Paris, London, Amsterdam...or anywhere else you want to go. 

I am sorry that I can't stop writing.  I promise to be good when I get to the US.

Concept Vs Reality

Natasha,

Well, as I know you fully understand, the “concept” of leaving a marriage is much easier to deal with than the reality, as a spouse’s tears and declarations of love are difficult to ignore.

Like you, I don’t really dig conflict, and sometimes it’s just easier to go with the flow. She and I have had some long, scratchy voiced phone calls the past few days.  For some reason, despite all the bullshit she’s discovered over the past few weeks, she still wants to try to work it out, but I’m still banking on her being sick of me by the end of the summer.

Believe it or not, I’m not a hard-hearted monster.  None of this has been easy for me.  And, I am sorry for the pain I caused, both to you and her.

I guess I should include your husband in that group as well.

Since you and Bonnie are talking so much and it seems to have helped both of you, maybe you should pass on my phone number to him and he and I could chat.  There might be some questions he has that I can answer, and you could pick up little filtered snippets from him second hand (trust me, it’s fun)…since apparently you and I can’t communicate directly any more. 

Since you mentioned to her I was still writing you poetry, I guess that means you don’t want me to continue (although I’m not absolutely sure I can stop).  I thought that since you’d been visiting the “Neighbors” site most every day, you wanted me to keep writing you.  Perhaps you consider it all a little ridiculous now.

I am sorry things turned out this way. But I am so happy we met and grew close.  I wouldn’t change a thing, although (as I mentioned to you in Kazakhstan) I won’t be doing this again…way too painful…so maybe that is the big lesson to be learned. 

You are a beautiful, smart, fun, exciting woman.  I have such a strong attraction to you (but I know you hear that from lots of guys).  Your husband is a lucky man and I hope it works for you both.  I want you to be happy.

I still love you, and I suppose that several years from now this won’t hurt as much. I stand behind everything I’ve ever said or written to you. This relationship has been way more than just physical to me.  I still think your “neighbor” idea is a wonderful plan and extremely doable…I think it appeals to the strong hermit streak in both of us. 

You know I will always love to hear from you.  A week from now, a month from now, a year from now, whenever.  If you ever need anything I’ll do whatever I can to help.  In the interim, I will choose to remember the days we actually spent together, which were always amazing and wonderful, rather than these past few months which have been so hard on us all.

Please take care of yourself and those grandbabies. 

Boris      

Isn't Life Strange??

I'm jealous of my wife because she gets to have long phone conversations with my girlfriend.  :)

Hope you're well.

A Boring Wednesday

Not much going on here the past couple days. I sat outside reading again yesterday on one of the benches near the Gazebo, it’s funny because it was 65 degrees and I felt like I was getting a sunburn but there is still a foot of snow over on the tennis court and the surrounding lawn.

The big excitement for today (other than doing my laundry AND trimming my nails) was I got to see the Jazz beat the Hornets in New Orleans (one of my favorite cities!!) It was an ugly game but a win is a win, and it killed a couple of hours early this afternoon. The playoffs start when I get back to the US. The Jazz are already in, they have 4 games left against pretty good teams, so they want to finish out the regular season strong to be in a good position to advance in the playoffs.

I rotate out a week from today. It’s been a quiet and pleasant 6 weeks here work-wise…and I do enjoy it out here.

I also met with Mr. Ovechkin today, we’re going to see if there’s a local expert who can come out and do some work on the pool table here, replace the bumpers, replace the felt, re-level the table. The playing surface has definitely gotten more out of whack over the past few months.

I have a funny story, that may be way too much information but hey, you should be used to it by now. Besides, I think you might appreciate it. Do you remember when you were here and were being so sweet to manually take care of my “needs” and I made a mess on my shoulder? I told you it was a record…well…yesterday I was using your visage and telling myself a story…it had been a few days…and I’d already written you about your feet (a turn-on for me) the biting (another turn-on apparently) so I’d been aroused a couple times without release…anyway during story-time proper, my thoughts went to you in your yellow strappy panties; you in your swimming suits by the pools in Nevada; and the way you rang in the New Year for 2008 here on the floor of my bedroom…and as I whispered your name while finishing, stuff landed on my FACE…I mean a bunch of it…it was kind of gross yet kind of cool all at the same time. That’s the first time it’s ever happened, (and I’m not sure I want to repeat it). I wish you’d been here to witness it in person…if you’d been doing it for me I’m sure it would have shot even further. Anyway, I figure the way things are going by the time I’m 50 I’m going to be able to hit the ceiling…and here I thought things were all downhill after 18. So now I have a new reason to live.

Anyway, I apologize if this was too gross of a way to start out your day. But I like telling you things that are going on in my life…sometimes they’re grossly physical but mostly they are sweet inside things, from the heart. I do like sharing my feelings with you…I hope you don’t mind.

I hope things are going well for you. It seems like one of the grandbaby deliveries should be getting close or maybe it’s happened already. I’m sure it’s an exciting time for you. I love holding those little babies…I’m always amazed at how tiny they are.

So I was reading the Economist today and they had an article comparing city life in London and Paris and it got me to thinking about potential travel plans. Remember a few weeks back you emailed and asked me where I’d like to go? How about taking 10 days and doing Berlin-Paris-London (and maybe a side-trip to Amsterdam for brownies)? The article mentioned you can take a high-speed train from Paris to London in 2 hours and 15 minutes, I’d imagine there’s a similar high-speed train between Paris and Berlin. I thought it would be cool just to walk around and explore all three within a few days of each other just to compare and contrast…not see the major touristy things (I think we’ve done most of that already) but just enjoy city life.

I had a second, more elaborate idea pop up as well. I think it would take most of a summer. Remember that Black Sea book? I’m not sure if you ever read it or not, but I was thinking we could circumnavigate the Black Sea, walking, biking, railroad, bus, rental car, boat, whatever. Just make our way around the coast. We could start in Istanbul and go counter-clockwise: Turkey, Georgia, Russia, Ukraine, Romania, Bulgaria, back to Istanbul. We could hit lots of small towns and villages, off the beaten path. It would be a grand adventure and I think it would appeal to the anthropologist in you. A bunch of different cultures are mixed together in that area. I’ve also heard there are real nice beach resorts in Hungary and Romania.

I am really hoping to be able to see you later this summer or fall. I have fond desires for us. I want to help you follow your heart and dreams…to provide support, whether it’s work or travel or service, whatever. I want us to be part of each other’s lives. I think we could have so much fun. But listen, if you decide you can work things out and stay with your husband I will understand. I want you to be happy. I’m not pressuring you for a decision right now or anything. I don’t want you to think I’m going to be a stalker for the rest of your life if you want me to leave you alone….just let me know and I will cease and desist. It will hurt, but I think I can do it.

I miss you. Hope you have a great day!!

Pushkin Loved Feet (And So Do I)

Natasha,

So I mentioned to you before that I had read Pushkin loved the ladies and especially their feet, and had included some lines about feet in book Eugene Onegin.  I thought there’d be a couple lines, but instead I found five whole stanzas (the entire book has over 400 stanzas) discussing the subject.  Pushkin worked on the book for eight years.  Apparently he wrote some smutty (for the early 1800’s anyway) love poems as well.  I will look for those when I get back home.  Pushkin died at the age of 38 after being shot in a duel…he had challenged some guy he thought was banging his wife, (which is ironic because he spent most of his youth doing the same thing to other men’s wives.)

So much of life I have neglected

In following where pleasure calls!

Yet were not morals ill affected

I even now would worship balls ((parties that is…Pushkin didn’t swing that way))

I love youth’s wanton, fevered madness,

The crush, the glitter, and the gladness,

The ladies’ gowns so well designed;

I love their feet--although you’ll find

That all of Russia scarcely numbers

Three pairs of shapely feet…And yet,
How long it took me to forget

Two special feet.  And in my slumbers

They still assail a soul grown cold

And on my heart retain their hold.

In what grim desert, madman banished,

Will you at last cut memory’s thread?

Ah, dearest feet, where have you vanished?

What vernal flowers do you tread?

Brought up in Oriental splendor,

You left no prints, no pressings tender,

Upon our mournful northern snow.

You loved instead to come and go

On yielding rugs in rich profusion;

While I --so long ago it seems!--

For your sake smothered all my dreams

Of glory, country, proud seclusion.

All gone are youth’s bright years of grace

As from the meadow your light trace.

Diana’s breast is charming, brothers,

And Flora’s cheek, I quite agree

But I prefer above these others

The foot of sweet Terpsichore.

It hints to probing, ardent glances

Of rich rewards and peerless trances;

Its token beauty stokes the fires,

The willful swarm of hot desires.

My dear Elvina, I adore it--

Beneath the table barely seen,

In springtime on the meadow’s green,

In winter with the hearth before it,

Upon the ballroom’s mirrored floor,

Or perched on granite by the shore.

I recollect the ocean rumbling:

O who I envied then the waves--

Those rushing tides in tumult tumbling

To fall about her feet like slaves!

I longed  to join the waves in pressing

Upon those feet these lips…caressing.

No, never midst the fiercest blaze

Of wildest youth’s most fervent days

Was I so racked with yearning’s anguish:

No maiden’s lips were equal bliss,

No rosy cheek that I might kiss,

Or sultry breast on which to languish.

No never once did passion’s flood

So rend my soul, so flame my blood.

Another memory finds me ready:

In cherished dreams I sometimes stand

And hold the lucky stirrup steady,

Then feel her foot within my hand!

Once more imagination surges,

Once more that touch ignites and urges

The blood within this withered heart:

Once more the love…once more the dart!

But stop…Enough! My babbling lyre

Has overpraised these haughty things:

They’re hardly worth the songs one sings

Or all the passions they inspire;

Their charming words and glances sweet

Are quite as faithless as their feet.

I think you know how much I love your feet Natasha…they are perfect.  I still remember the first time I laid eyes on them…my heart skipped a beat.  I miss them.  I love to rub them for you…I love to look at them as I rub them…I find it very relaxing, satisfying and exciting all at the same time.

Next time you get a pedi done, won’t you please send me another picture??  No words…just a picture.

I came across another stanza from Eugene Onegin that I liked.  It’s part of a description of a woman who was in love with a soldier but then was forced to marry someone else ((This was a topic in several of his short stories that I read.))   

About her clothes one couldn’t fault her

Like him, she dressed as taste decreed.

But then they led her to the altar

And never asked if she agreed.

The clever husband chose correctly

To take his grieving bride directly

To his estate, where first she cried

(With God know whom on every side),
Then tossed about and seemed demented;

And almost even left her spouse;

But then she took to keeping house

And settled down and grew contented

Thus heaven’s gift to us is this:

That habit takes the place of bliss.

Sorry this posting was all quite long…but I thought it was interesting (of course I’ve been stuck at the Monastery for a month…so my judgment has likely been affected.)  I want no habit between us…only bliss. 

I hope you’re well.  I miss you.  I’ve been meaning to mention that this trip would have been a good one for you to be here…there are no “TV lurkers” upstairs (damn that Jake)…we would have had the lounge to ourselves.

Boris

Saturday

Natasha,

It’s early Saturday evening as I write this, but it won’t be posted til Sunday AM.  It’s gotten chillier here today, high in the 30’s.  I decided to work out in the gym instead of walking outside…I think I work a little harder on the treadmill, I definitely sweat more, but I’d rather be out in the fresh air.  I had a good TV weekend, I got to see the Cardinals play baseball on Friday and the Jazz were on early this morning…they both won.  Hooray!  It’s college basketball tonight and then some motorcycle races are on Sunday and Monday afternoon…it’s about the most I can do around here for excitement.

I cleaned the upstairs in Washington today…mostly since I’ve been making a mess eating snacks while watching TV.  I wasn’t sure who was assigned to clean -- but I didn’t want anyone accusing me of only helping certain RTSC employees in exchange for sexual favors -- it turns out it was Terry.  But how was I really rewarded for my good deed?  I discovered another long white hair, this time on the couch.  I have a collection of four now, they are all on my “shrine shelf” with your feet pictures, icons and the Maritim yellow ducky.  Every time I see them it makes me smile.  I’m pretty much happy all the time (I know, I don’t show it) but when I think of you it makes me really happy.

Today I finished rereading Tao:The Pathless Path by Osho.  I’ve read 5 or 6 of his books, he’s my favorite spiritual author and this is my favorite book written by him.  If you ever get a chance to read it, I recommend it.  I came across this quote in the final chapter: 

“Real love happens only when your five senses are in harmony like an orchestra.  Then there is a sort of eternity to your love.  Then it is not temporal, then it is not momentary.  When you love a woman you love her sound, you love her touch, you love her smell, you love the way she walks, you love the way she looks at you.  You love her totality.” 

I think this should sound familiar to you, because I think I’ve written all of these things to you at one time or another, because this is the way I love you.  It’s out of control, parts of it are inexplicable, but I truly enjoy the feeling.  I’d love to be in the same room with you so my senses could soak you up.  I miss you so much…but in that good sort of way…like I’m sad you’re not with me right now, but I know that when we do get together again it would feel so good.  To see you again, hold you again, feel you again, make sweet love to you again.  I hope that can happen for us. 

I hope I can still call you girlfriend.  I miss you.  I want us to both be free.  Free to get together without looking over our shoulders.  I look forward to being able to call or email whenever we like and being able to get together from time to time. 

I'm off all this week but will be working in the DCC next Saturday and Sunday nights, those will be my last two shifts prior to rotating out on Wednesday.   

I hope you are well.  Please take care of yourself. 

Boris

Monastic Update

Super Natasha,

You’ve missed some beautiful, clear, moonless nights here.  The stars are definitely out.  The lights are still too bright and you don’t get to see all of them, but it’s still pretty.  I’d love to lay out in the desert with you and sleep under the stars, somewhere nice and clear…but hopefully with no tarantulas or scorpions. 

The weather has been real nice here the past couple weeks overall.  Just a little bit of rain.  We’re down to maybe only a foot of snow left to melt away.  Things have changed a bunch in the four weeks I’ve been here.  I’ve been walking outside for an hour each day, just with a light jacket on (today just in jeans and a t-shirt), it feels great, although I’m not losing any weight at all.  I haven’t been drinking any soda (or beer), but I’ve had a serious sweet tooth for some banana cream pie, cinnamon rolls and brownies….sigh.  I think for my summer trip out here, I’m going to start lifting weights again…not to get big…(although some people I know have a thing for nice arms)…but I think it helps burn extra calories.   

We unloaded the Metro Foods truck today (it is Wed night as I write this) offloading all the meat made me nice and bloody…I felt like I’d been in surgery.  Would that make you tingly, if you saw me nice and bloody?? We’ll be loading up the Ground Transportation truck for backhaul Thursday. 

Here’s my teeny bit of gossip that I think you’d enjoy, last Sunday morning about 0230 I was sleeping lightly and I heard someone walking up to the building pause and then start puking…I looked out the window and Super Karl was just below my window, yakking his guts out.  They’d gone out on the town til 11pm and then kept things going in Roosevelt til the early AM.  I think he thought he got away with it, but I waited til there was a big audience at brunch (he was the dish bitch) and then reenacted the story and brought the house down…he claimed he was fertilizing the grass. 

I hope you aren’t too busy at work, and that you’re feeling well and doing well.  I miss you.  Can you believe it’s April already??  Those grandbabies are getting close.

I’ve been thinking pretty damn hard about things over the past four or five days…I haven’t slept much at all. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been kidding myself.  There’s really no way I can envision getting things to the point where I can stay living with her.  I need to live on my own.  I will tell her when I get back.  (She’s in Costa Rica this week.)  The timeline may vary, but I’ll move out no later than the end of August certainly.  She had written to me before that even if it got to the point where it wasn’t going to work out, there was really no need for me to rush things and move out, but who knows what she’s thinking now? She may want it to happen sooner.  I would like to stay where I’m at for the summer, but if I have to change the plans with the kids I will.  I’m tired.  I don’t want to mislead her any more and pretend to be working on things when deep down I feel there’s no hope.  Besides, she’ll see right through me.

You see, I’m really no good at pretending. That’s why she could sense something was wrong after I got back from Kazakhstan last year.  Just those couple days you and I spent together in DC…and she knew I wasn’t the same, even though I denied it.  I couldn’t look at her the same way, I couldn’t write her anything sweet at all.  It was even more pronounced when she got home this January.  She told me she knew I’d been with someone who’d “touched” me.  I should have just fessed up then, but didn’t (and there’s really no way to undo that now).  That’s why she started searching cell phone bills and computer hard drives.  I’m sorry you were dragged into the middle of it all, but I’m glad she found out and things are in the open, or at least will be after I get home.  After I get back on my computer, I’ll tell her I checked the admin files and could tell she’d logged on and been opening things up (it is possible to figure that kind of stuff out…I just don’t know how.)  Then at least she and I will be able to talk about everything.

I’m sorry if all of this is too much information and you didn’t want to hear about my personal details, but it’s not like you haven’t been exposed already. 

I know you will make your own decision based on what’s right for you…I expect nothing different.  I’m not telling you any of this to influence you one way or the other.  I think you know how I feel about you and how I want things to turn out, but I’ll respect whatever decision you make.  I just want you to be happy.  I would love to hear from you again someday…see you again…be with you again…friends…neighbors.  That’s what feels right to me, but I will understand if it doesn’t happen.  I do appreciate the time we’ve been able to spend together and the things I’ve learned about myself and life while being with you.

I do know I’ll be happiest living on my own, and if I don’t make the break now I’ll just regret it for the next 40 years (hopefully) or so.  I’ve never really lived on my own before.  I’m looking forward to what life will bring.  I’ve struggled for the past several years trying to come up with a rough plan for the rest of my life, and I think I’ve done so. I hope part of that plan involves calling you friend and providing you some support from time to time.  It would all be on your terms of course, as little or as much as you desire.

Please take care of yourself.

Boris  

PS.  I’m reading “The Quiet American” a novel by Graham Greene.  Have you read any of his stuff?  He’s quite good.  Anyway, here’s a quote I thought you’d appreciate:  “I never knew a man who had better motives for all the trouble he caused.”

PPS.  In case you're wondering, I am always available for drunk (or sober) dialing!  I would love to hear your voice, even if it is just so you can chew me out.

Friday at the Monastary

Super Natasha,

I've been working a string of nights Wed-Fri which makes it difficult to get over to the internet to send anything off.  Here is a quick little note that covers the past few days.  It is Friday evening as I write this.

Thursday night/Friday morning you missed a very beautiful moon here.  I think she was full, or quite close to it.  I saw her as she came up in the twilight sky (kinda like the last poem I sent you).  The sky was so clear and she was big and bright.  I'm sad that I didn't have my favorite RTSC bitch here to walk perimeter with me, but at least I had my second favorite bitch -- Otto.   We walked about 0100 Friday morning, the temp was about 30 degrees.  The moon seemed close enough to reach out and touch.  There were stars visible too, I could make out the big dipper, but I think Orion and our red star had set already, because I could not find them.  Then, around 0600 the sky was getting light in the east and the moon was just getting ready to set in the west.  She was peach colored as she started to go down. She was so very beautiful.  She makes me miss you.  I hope you got to see her in your neck of the woods.

The moon was full Fri night Sat morning...it was mostly cloudy but she did peak out from time to time.

 

Here's more stupid shit you probably do not want to hear.  On Thursday, I cried twice yesterday thinking about you.  First time I was reading an article in a motorcycle magazine, how gay is that?  Some guy wrote in about a pretty ride he took his significant other on, made me wish we were out riding.  It would be fun to take a week or two and just hit the road.  No real plans, just take it one day at a time.  Then as I was sleeping during the day I was crying when I woke up from a dream.  We had just met at some airport and I was holding you close and it felt so good, felt so real.  Then I woke up.  Boo!

Later, I guess to make up for the G rated romantic dream, I went back to sleep for a while and woke up feeling stiff, thinking of you and me in the shower, all nice and soapy, I was standing behind you.  I was definitely whispering your name later.
 

Back to the real world, last night I got caught up on all the paperwork I needed to do to get ready for the rotation next week.  I'll be senior deputy for the last three weeks.  John M. will be out here as site commander.

Karl asked me about you, if I'd heard from you at all.  I told him I thought you were doing good.  He is doing great here...is staying an extra 3 weeks and I think they've hired another permanent PA.  Leslie seems to be doing good as well.  Karl went into town and got a pedicure yesterday.

I don't want to sound like too much of an ass, but I think Richard has gotten louder and even more inane over the past few months.  It is painful to be in the same room (no, make that building) as him.

I hope you are doing well and having some fun.  Please take care of yourself.  I miss you.

Boris

PS.  Speaking of pedicures...feel free to send me some feet pictures if you have a new color you want to show off.  Guess what, I read in my Pushkin book that he had a "thing" for women's feet and actually wrote a verse or two about them in one of his poems.  If I find it I'll send it to you.

PSS.  Speaking of pictures...I'll be happy to see some of you and the new grandbabies when they arrive as well.

PSSS.  Speaking of dreams and movie ratings, there are a few items in the XXX email folder...I didn't know if you'd noticed or not...in case you have an itch that needs scratching.

A Crazy Night at the Monastary

We hosted a party to celebrate St Patrick's day Friday night...about 15 Dept 162 folks showed up.  I was working in the box (party-goer that I am) there were green jello shots and guinness and green beer and whiskey.  The Russians stayed for about four hours and had fun.  Otto and Clint dyed their beards (Otto has cut his hair short and grown a goatee...he looks like a badass.)  Site Commander passed out in the Higgens room, Vernau puked a couple times and called it an early night...Karl challenged all comers to arm wrestling...hijinks continued til around 1am.  I'm sure you'd still be sleeping it off if you'd been here.  :)  Did you celebrate CA style??

There's still 3 feet of snow on the ground here...I'm worried we're all going to drown when it starts melting...good thing I live on the 2nd floor. 

Am still enjoying another 10 days or so without Terry Fucking Parkhurst in town.

Mike F. has grown a beard too...there's so much facial hair now you don't even notice the nose hairs any more.

You're going to seriously have to work on your pool skills...I beat the reigning champ here (a new linguist named Troy, he shaves his head too, but he doesn't look near as good as me...besides, he's too young for you) three games in a row the other night.  I'm getting better...can even break like a real man now...look out!!

I went bowling last Saturday and did pretty well, a 180 and a 190.

I've had a seriously manic last 24 hours...worked last night and only got about 4 hours sleep today, I'm working again tonight...I think I wrote you about 8 different poems...I'll be spacing them out but you'll be seeing them soon.

Hope you like them. 

Hope all is well with you.