Neighbors

Long Time

Natasha,

It seems like a long time since I've written you a serious love letter.  Things have been a little hectic with some turmoil thrown in, but the end is in sight.

I am more than a little psyched today.  Why?  Here's a list: 
a) my girlfriend is one day closer to being back in communication
b) wife (and her attendant melodrama) are gone for 8 days
c) weather is great today, sky is clear, Luna was beautiful last night
d) I just discovered another sub-category on Craig's List that has hundreds of listings per day for rooms/basements to rent...the category I had been looking at only had only a dozen or so.  It'll be super way easy to find a place when I get back in Aug.

I am really missing you bad today...I was doing pretty good with the whole patience thing the first couple days you were gone, but it's been getting harder and harder.  I just want to daydream about you all the time.  And the more I think about you, the more I want you, the more I miss you, etc.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode.  I'm pretty sure you know the drill.  Of course I miss being with you, but I also really miss talking with you on the phone...what a great invention.  Especially for lovers who are so far away.

I just want to spend some time with you lover.  I miss seeing you...your wild long hair, your fiery brown eyes, your wicked little smile.  I miss hearing you laugh.  I miss you giving me shit in person.  I miss making goo-goo eyes at you.  I miss watching you move.  I miss all your wonderful parts...you know...those one or two places that are my favorites.  :)  I want to touch you, feel you, rub you, caress you, kiss you, taste you.  I want to soak you up.  I want us to get reaquainted.  I want us to make sweet love to each other.  I feel like we've shared many wonderful things but that we have so much more to discover. 

I want to travel with you but right now I really don't care where we go because most of all I just want to be with you.  I am so happy we found each other at such a remote corner of the universe.  I am mostly happy all the time but I'm especially happy when I think of you and the possibilities of spending time with you as a friend and (hopefully someday) neighbor.  I feel a connection with you Natasha.  I've never felt anything quite like this before and I love it. 

I love your brain power.  I love your personality.  I love you...just the basic you...and I want you to have to act or pretend or do anything you don't want to do...I just want us to be ourselves and enjoy life.  I'm proud of who you are and what you do.  I can't wait to see you again and tell you and show you in person just how beautiful, intelligent, sexy and special you are to me.  I miss my girlfriend.

Boris

PS. Just 20 more days til June 3rd.  I'm hoping that can still happen for us.  It will be like heaven to be in your arms and have your tongue down my throat again.   

Signing Off From Karmastadt

Natasha,

It's 11pm here.  I went out for a walk to the city again this afternoon after work (I think I did about 9 miles total today...it feels good to be let loose from the monastery after 6 weeks, to be able to wander alone for a while.  I felt better this afternoon, back to missing you "in a good way".  I think that will be my lot in life these next few months, missing you where it feels like my heart is being crushed and missing you in a good way.  It would be nice just to be able to chit-chat with you, hear about what is going on in your life.  Better to actually see you, put my arms around you and hold you tight, give you soft little kisses.

I just now got back in from walking over to the train station.  I ate a curry wurst and they actually had Dr. Pepper to drink.  Now that is a gourmet meal!  As I was walking back to the hotel I saw Luna, she is about 2-3 days from being full I think.  There was a high layer of thin clouds that made her look a little blurry, but she was still beautiful. 

It is impossible to hide true beauty...no matter what the distance or the conditions. 

And once your heart has been touched by her, it is never the same.

Please take care of yourself over these next few months.  I will be thinking of you.  I'm going to go stand on a bridge for a little while and dream of my lover.

Always yours,

Boris

April Love

Natasha,

You have no idea how great I felt hearing your voice yesterday….especially all the “fuck yous”.  J  I think they must have been building up in your system…that isn’t good for you.  I’m glad we got to talk; it meant so much to me, made me feel so much better.  I promise I will be good for the next three months and not write or call.  You know it won’t be easy for me though.  But, I will look at my left shoulder often and remember the patient path (not that my tattoo represents anything).

During this hiatus, please remember how I feel about you and if you do need a little hit of crack once in a while you can always revisit this site.  The stuff that is posted will remain.  The thing is it’s like crack for you to read it, but it’s like crack for me to write it...hard for me to give it up.  I just feel so out of touch with you when I’m not able to share my feelings. 

The good news is, that after not speaking with you for a month or so, it immediately felt so “right” again yesterday to hear your voice (and you have a sweet, beautiful, sexy voice), almost like we hadn’t been apart at all.  So that memory will help me get through this.  I do appreciate your friendship.

I agree with the advice you repeated yesterday, that we need to sort our own lives and situations out independent of each other first.  That’s the thought process I’ve been using.  I’ve had a lot of time to think out here and have looked at it from lots of angles.  I’m about 98% certain I can keep thoughts of potentially being your neighbor out of the equation.  And the conclusion I keep returning too is that I need to move out.  Even if I knew I wasn’t going to see you again, that’s what I would want.  But I will give things a shot and search my soul over these next few months to be certain, then try to come up with a plan to minimize the impact on Bonnie.  She and I have already talked a few times about some aspects of separating and I think we can settle things without too much rancor.  As it is, if I wind up deploying somewhere for a year, she and I would be separate for about 80% of the next two years anyway.

I forgot to tell you it was real pretty for the perimeter walk last night, it was cold, down in the 20’s, but the half moon was straight over head and lots of stars were visible.  I couldn’t find fucking Orion anywhere though.  L

This morning after I got off work and crawled into bed I was thinking of you and was slammed with a sudden, unexpected, full-blown cry-fest.  I had such a mix of emotions going on inside me.  I was so happy and relieved we had talked, yet sad about the upcoming hiatus.  I was happy to think I’d be seeing you on 9 July, but sad that it will be so brief.  My heart reaches out to you Natasha.  I hope that you can still feel it from time to time.  I actually cried myself to sleep, then woke up a couple hours later with dried tears all over my face…(and of course, a little stiffness somewhere else)…so I was whispering your name a few minutes later. 

I’m sorry about the grilling your husband is giving you.  Someday I’d like to hear the story if you want to share.  I’ve told you before I want to hear all your stories, but I don’t want to seem like I’m prying.  I hope the counseling is helping you work through issues and come to a conclusion one way or the other.

The Tanzania thing sounds interesting.  I hope you find a gig that works for you in Africa and that you find a way to follow your dreams.  I will be your biggest fan.

I know you joke about being the woman who can’t say “no”.  But I don’t want you to be that person around me.  Not that I want to hear you say “no”, but that I don’t want you to feel like you have to pretend with me, or do things you don’t want to do.  I hope that someday soon we’re both in a position where we can get together from time to time…the low maintenance neighbors…have fun, travel and enjoy life without all the other excess baggage and bullshit.  I will always want you to let me know how you really feel about things, that’s the whole point of having you around…I want to hear what you are really thinking and feeling, not what you think I want to hear.  I know you think I’m a pussy, but I can take it.  I respect your intelligence, your feelings, your heart and soul.  I think we’ve had some difficult discussions about many things and made it through all of them.  Who knows, maybe the only way to really stay completely honest with someone is not to live with them full-time.   

I did have a good stay out here, but I’m looking forward to this summer.  My college daughter will be flying out to VA the end of Apr and stay through mid August.  I’ll be out in UT for a week in early June and then my two youngest will be coming back for the rest of the month in VA. My son and I will get to do some motorcycling together, both out in UT and in VA.  I think he really likes it, and I’m happy that he chose to do it on his own, without any pushing from me.  Like you, I have a pretty good set of kids and I count myself fortunate.

Please take care of yourself. I hope you have a fun, enjoyable and relatively stress-free next few months.  Good luck with work and family and Lola!!

So I guess this will be it until mid-July.  I will plan on posting something after I get back to Vot.  We can see where we’re both at and take it from there.     

As far as the future goes, no matter what happens, I feel great about our relationship.  I will understand whatever decision you arrive at, as long as you tell me it makes you truly happy.  I am so proud of you, so happy to know you and call you my friend….who happens to be a girl....my girlfriend.

Love,

Boris

Patience

I remember

when we first met

as each day went by, I felt closer to you

I wanted to spend more time together

to get to know you

Gradually

it seemed there was something between us
a great potential to be friends and lovers
I didn’t want to push things

but rather let them unfold

I realized

that if it was meant to happen

it would happen in time

I’m so damn happy that it did happen!

We've had so much fun together

I appreciate

all that you've shown me

Now we are going through challenging times

In some ways I feel like I did those first few weeks

great possibilities are there, but I don’t want to push it

Time will take care of the details

I will be patient

I have a feeling of relaxed contentment

ready to accept what life brings

confident things will work out for the best

I visualize the future

us together as friends and neighbors

but no matter what you decide, please don’t ever doubt

how much I miss you

how much I love you

Shipwrecked Heart

My dilemma

cut off from direct communication

I can only hope she reads these words

Like a message in a bottle

from a man with a shipwrecked heart

So long ago now

since I saw her face

or even heard her voice

Can she still feel me close?

Doe she open her heart in return?

Although I enjoy the present each day

I can’t help but think about our past

Joyful times spent together
And our future…unknown

yet bursting with potential

I know someday soon

I will be living alone

I can only hope that fate

which brought two strangers together

has allotted more time for us

I derive such pleasure and happiness

from all of my senses

simply being in her presence

But beyond the mere physical

she touches my heart and soul

I want her

now more than ever

to be her friend and lover

Together we’ll discover

life’s new adventures and mysteries

Missing You

Natasha,

It’s Friday morning, early, as I compose this.  I’ve been awake since 1am thinking of you.  I’m lying in bed with my little flashlight and my pen and notebook from Germany.  I’ve been staring out my window, wishing I could convert myself into a beam of light and fly to California just so I could see you again, if only for a moment.  I miss you.  I’d like to be a little ghost following you around, so I could see what you’re up to.  Maybe you’d feel my presence.  Hopefully I wouldn’t give you the creeps!!

Now it’s 2:30am, which is 3:30pm Thursday afternoon for you (we haven’t switched to daylight savings time yet, so for now we’re only 11 hours ahead of you...we switch forward this Sunday).  The romantic part of me hopes that as I lay here missing you, you can feel me close.  The realist in me supposes you are up to your cute little elbows in blood and fat as you rip veins out of people’s legs.  I’ve spent the last 20 mins or so trying to focus thoughts in my mind, feelings in my heart, and power in my soul…focus all that energy and send it your way.  Not quite as amazing as converting myself into a beam of light, but much more doable.  I do believe it’s possible to send out energy this way.  I hope you had a spare, calm moment or two Thursday afternoon and that you were able to feel it.  I hope that you still want to feel it.  I hope that someday soon wi’ll be able to fell that power again, together, in person. I miss your companionship.

---------------

It's about noon on Saturday now.  Both Friday afternoon and Saturday morning I took a little nap on my couch.  Each time I wished you'd been here to snuggle up.  I would have wrapped my arms around you, your back to my chest, I would have held you close, whispered in your ear, kissed your neck, and we could have dozed off for a while.  I long to be with you.

I hope you are well.  Please take care.

Love,

Boris

Feelings

I want to be with you every minute of every day

But I know that will probably never be our future

It will be enough for me to know that we belong to each other

I will be yours, completely

I will think of you and you’ll feel me close

Do you feel me now?

Even though we might be separated by thousands of miles, we’ll be together

I’ve experienced that feeling over this past year and it only grows stronger

When we are able to spend time together it will be like we were never apart

The warmth, the fun, the connection, the peaceful feeling

I wish I were smart enough to understand what our connection is

But even if I could figure it out, I’d be unable to find the words to describe it

I wish that I could – it would make one hell of a love letter

I’m attracted to you physically, of that there is no doubt

But it is so much deeper

I’m attracted to who you are inside

I want to discover all your secrets, yet I feel like I’ll never really know you

I have the unshakeable feeling that we belong together

We complement each other

I know you don’t need me to be happy

But I want to be a part of your life - not take over your life

I want to help you achieve your dreams

I want to support you, to take care of you

I’ll be the stranger/neighbor, just be there when you need me

I want to surrender to these feelings – let them overwhelm me

I’ve been in love – twice - but I’ve never felt anything like this before

You help me discover hidden things about myself

You make me feel like a woman

But at the same time I want to be your man

It’s not that you “complete me”, but that you make me feel complete

You give me something that I need

I hope I do the same for you

I hope we can help each other discover the rest of life’s adventures

A Good Day

I want to spend an entire day in bed with you.

We’ll be all stocked up with snacks (chocolate cherries, berry pie, potato chips and turtles) and beer and White Russians

We’ll have an iPod attached to some speakers

I’ll make you coffee

I’ll cook you breakfast

We’ll get caught up on each other’s lives

We’ll eat chocolate cherries and berry pie off each other

We’ll find other ways to get sticky

We’ll soak in the tub

I’ll admire your latest pedicure as I rub your still-perfect feet

I’ll give you a thorough spa treatment (yes, of course it will be full service…I know how you like it)

You’ll drape your hair all over me

We’ll make out

We’ll make love

We’ll make sea monkeys

We’ll wrestle

We’ll help each other pee

We’ll snuggle up and doze off

I’ll pretend to be sleeping as you kiss me awake

Your face will get tickled by my chest hair

But I’ll shave (twice) so it won’t get scratched by my whiskers

We’ll read interesting tidbits to each other

We’ll have travel books and maps handy to chart our next adventure

We’ll stare into each others eyes and watch them get wet

We’ll whisper

We’ll admire our tattoos

We’ll take a beautiful journey together although we never leave

Still

I still wake up in the middle of the night dreaming of you

I still am so very sorry for hurting you

I still wonder how you are spending your days

I still hope you are happy

I still find long white reminders of you in Washington room 1201

I still smile when I think of you

I still can see you before me

I still want you more than ever

I still can taste your kiss

I still am grateful for what we’ve had

I still hope there’s more to come

I still love you and always will

I still want to be your neighbor

Trains

So I wandered off with no particular goal in mind.  You wanted to be with me here today Natasha, and you were.  Let me explain.

I made it as far as the train station.  The day is cold and blustery and gray...not much different from January.  In front of the station I saw a woman with white hair EXACTLY like yours...thick, even a hint of reddish brown tint...had she been to Vot recently??  :)  Thinking of you made me smile.

As I entered the station, I decided I had to write something.  RIGHT NOW.

I bought a notebook and pen in the little bookstore.  A perfect sized notebook (about 5x7) for story-writing, something I've been looking for.

As I originally compose this, I'm sitting on a bench between tracks 9 and 10.  I don't have my beanie so I'm a little chilly.  The German male voice is announcing arrivals.  I don't understand anything he says, but it makes me melancholy nonetheless.  Where is my girlfriend??  Why aren't we together right now?

The bench vibrates as the train to Wiesbaden pulls up on track 9.  I think you'd get a little bit tingly, if you know what I mean.

Is that why Natasha is so attracted to trains?  The power and vibration?  Long, sleek, powerful objects pushing forward into dark tunnels?  Or is it their limitless potential to take you to far off places, no particular plan in mind, everything you need in the world in a small bag by your side.  You can sit and dream as you watch the world pass by.

Or maybe you've always been attracted to trains because the universe was preparing you.  She prepared you for the unexpected, unplanned evening when you walked with a not-quite handsome, not-quite stranger through the station, holding hands.  The cold night when you stood on a bridge overlooking the tracks and shared a magical, deep wet kiss.  The early morning standing in his hotel room overlooking the tracks, his arms wrapped around you.  Each time a train came by you shared another kiss, until you were lying on the bed listening to them go by as you made love.

Perhaps you long for the days when you and he can ride another train together, this time with the future much less uncertain, and sit back and really enjoy the ride.  You will travel together to far-flung locations and explore exciting new places together.

Maybe you'll ride at least one overnight train.  The not-quite stranger wants to lay with you as the world rushes by.  The boundaries of space and time contract until everything disappears but you and he.  And maybe, if conditions are just so, (if you've had the right amount of alcohol and his parts are still working) for a few moments, even the boundaries of you and he will disappear, and you'll truly become one.